Here is the first public lens critique for this forum thread:

The lens is A journey of inspiration and hope by Spook

Let me start out by saying that in reading this lens to critique, it was the first time I had read this lens, and this is one of the most moving and inspiring lenses that I have read.  This is a great lens to critique, because while the story is compelling, interesting and can offer inspiration to many people, the technical aspects of this lens can be improved and it would make a huge difference on how the lens came across. 

Spook--wow-what a story.  Amazing.

Here is my critique:

Although your story is compelling, the actual writing of the story needs to be tightened up.  You have several repeated mistakes that improvement would make it much easier to read.

1.  Too many capitalizations of words-maybe change those words to bold instead
2.  While I like the style of your writing, you need to tighten up the paragraphs to make the story more ordered.  And I would lessen the use of colloquial English, and use more standard English.
3.  Too many abbreviations of words like professor in the wrong places.  You can abbreviate Prof. in front of a person's name like a title, but not on its own.
4.  Some times your references to things are not clear because we were not with you when it happened, so you lose the reader a bit. 

Other changes:
I would change the title of the lens to something which is clearly stating that the lens is about your experience with the implant or about deafness.  This would draw in anyone who is interested in learning more about your implant.

Then move your current title to become the title of the introduction.

Tighten up your introduction so that there are less double spaced sentences and create real paragraphs of several sentences.  Fix the punctuation in the intro like any double punctuation, and you have a few weird spacing issues where sentences do not roll properly.  (13th does not need a period after)

The introduction could lead a bit more smoothly into the first paragraph.  Just add another two sentences to the end of the intro that talks a little more about the implant to lead into the technical details.

The other thing you do in this lens is switch from past to present tense a lot.  I would pick one tense and stay with it all the way through.  That would help it flow better.

Your story is so inspiring.  I love how you show us your family, and added some of the changes that the implant has made in your life, especially with your family.  I would love to see it inspire even more people who are considering getting an implant.

If you need some samples of what I am talking about above, contact me via my contact button and I will explain better.

And a quick side note:  I do not know any profoundly deaf people in my own life, but I have recently had some minor hearing issues myself.  I actually just made an appointment to go to a doctor to see what is causing the problems.  So maybe it was fate that I got to read your lens today.  Interesting, huh?

It is obvious how much emotion you invested in the lens.    I can see why it would be your favorite.

Okay I am going to hold my breath and hope that this one squeaks in

How to make knit bells: http://www.squidoo.com/crafts-how-to-make-knit-bells

Ladymermaid

I want to apologize to everyone for not doing more on this topic.  I have decided to move the public lens critique to Professional Squids where I am now the Community Manager.  (mainly because I am spending a lot of time there).  However, to get this started, I will critique all three of the above lenses in the next few days.  To see the result of the critique, go to this forum.

Last edited by lakeerieartists (07/24/2010 1:36 pm)

I popped over to visit and thank you for your lens critique on my http://www.squidoo.com/crafts-how-to-make-knit-bells . I still have a few problems in finding the top key words for an idea so I usually use my google search to help me out. I would gladly welcome advice in this area though....

Thank you again
Ladymermaid

Ladymermaid, AJ just did some keyword research for you and posted it in the PS forum.  Great stuff!   

Lois, I just want to encourage you here to create what comes from your heart. Allow no one to lay claim to that.